Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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