hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
