uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
