Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
