Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
