My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize