Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I could fuck to npr.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
