I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
