Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My first STD was from a foam party
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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