Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize