i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
