My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
