I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
