DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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