I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
