Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
