Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
