I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
