If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
