someone threw a dead crab at me
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
