I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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