The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
