the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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