I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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