How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
