so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
