I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
