I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
