True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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