Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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