reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
