I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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