Yo dont text me then not text me
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
