i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
