I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
