Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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