Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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