I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
