there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
