where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
