That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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