Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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