I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
