I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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