Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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