My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
