they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
