Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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