I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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