the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Vodka?
Forever.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
