She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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