I cannot find my penis.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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