Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
