Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
