Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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