im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
