Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
