if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
