Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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