So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
