thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
